Back it up, Lady

What a month I've had! I don't think I've complained at all so far about being in my 50's. In fact, I feel that I've embraced it quite well. But when you enter the fifth decade of your life suddenly it seems your life is in everyone else's hands. Medically, that is.

Catching up on some long overdue appointments I was given the gift of being prescribed for a mammogram, a bone density test and, to my delight, a colonoscopy. Additionally, the dentist and I have been seeing each other quite a bit lately and I think he really likes me too. Every orifice of my being has been invaded by others hands and tools as if I were their playing field. I think they relish it, really!

"Have your last meal of the day by 2:00 pm and then starting at 4:00 pm, drink this mixture until it's gone. It's not that bad really, especially if you chill it." So last Sunday there I sat facing my meal as if it were my Last Supper. In my mind I planned all kinds of gourmet meals but in reality I made chicken, salad and some kind of potato. Earlier in the day I had mixed my love potion #9 so that it would be good and chilled when it was time to drink it down. The plastic container made 4 liters. 4 LITERS!!! It was clear and looked completely harmless...this is no big deal, I thought.

After I ate, I pulled out my instructions and reviewed them to be sure I didn't miss a thing. I had plenty of clear, sugar free liquids, sugar free jello, and just in case, some clear broth on hand to get me through my little fast until the next day. On the stroke of 4:00 pm I began my regimen and poured out my first 8 ounce glass of chilled liquid cleanser. I threw my head back and tried to gulp it down but found that as it passed my teeth, my tonsils grew fingers and put out its own hands and yelled "stop" ...it wasn't enjoying the moment at all! I made it through about 6 ounces and then quickly poured a glass of diet ginger ale. This little routine went on every 15 minutes for HOURS. I could barely choke it down. What should have been over in 2 -3 hours lasted well into the evening. I didn't have to worry about being hungry. This was quite a workout and food never entered my mind or my mouth as I forced down this clear, poisonous, oil slick. The liquid did what it was supposed to do but I didn't find that nearly as offensive as drinking the stuff.

The next morning, bright and early I checked in to the hospital where I was sure they were waiting just for me. I was told to be there at 6:30 with my test scheduled for 7:30. When I arrived I expected to find a quiet area just waking up to the world but instead found that it was a regular colonoscopy celebration! We were lining up like spectators to see the baseball playoffs! Over and over I heard the rumblings of conversation with the word "colonoscopy" popping up throughout the room. My vision of all of us in a row, with our posteriors positioned appropriately was more than my mind wanted to see. Finally I was taken to my little room by a little nurse to get ready for my little adventure.

When they wheeled me into the arena, I mean surgical ward, I found that I was indeed the first one of the day. Whew!! That meant that hose would be clean! People hovered all around me as I was asked to lay on my left side and the IV was being filled with a nausea prevention medicine as well as a twilight sleeping aid. The surgeon stood behind me, positioning my behind (back it up to the end of the table, lady) and asking what a pretty young thing was doing in a place like this. Did he mean me or my behind? I'll never know! I went to sleep.

The next thing I knew someone was talking about a recipe for parmesan crusted chicken and I was being given some diet coke and a graham cracker. I saw the surgeon for a minute and he said my colon was a thing of beauty and I didn't have to repeat this performance until I'm sixty.

I can hardly wait.